My father, Ernie
My father (bio-dad as I would say) passed away recently. Our relationship was not the average father-daughter one though, so while I am grieving, it’s for slightly different reasons/feelings than many daughters grieve for.
This was a man that I saw less than 100 days in my entire life. I didn’t know him well, but that was his choice, and over much time, I came to accept that. Only in my adult years did I begin to understand that he was a loner, he desired solitude, it made him more himself (I’m similar, as it turns out). He struggled with many issues, but he knew how he wanted to live, and did so (mostly) on his own terms. Almost all my memories of him are good; while he wasn’t around, he was still a nice guy, treated me well, and always spoke respectfully about my Mom (he thought she had done an amazing job raising me, said she was a strong woman, respected the man she married who became my stepfather, etc).
In the last few years, I was able to reconnect with him, he wanted me to know he was proud of me, wanted me to know that he thought my husband was, “the man, two thumbs up” (he had met Tom a handful of times before I got married, when I was in high school and again in 2019), and thought my dog looked, “pretty cool”.
Tom and I were able to visit with him in the summer of 2019 (I hadn’t seen him in at least 13 years by then), and he seemed genuinely happy and excited to spend some time with us. He was how I remembered in a way, talkative, joking, inquisitive, and had plenty of full-bellied laughs to share. But, life had physically taken its toll. We spent a few hours doing what we used to do when I was young: going to a Chinese food buffet, chatting, and buying scratch tickets.
When I was young, I fondly remember our visits - we would often go to his local corner store, get snacks, and we would pick out scratch tickets, lots of them (even though I was a minor) :D We’d go back to his place, often he’d put a golf TV program on, and we’d scratch our tickets and eat our snacks. One of my favorite things (and this is going to sound so odd to many) was when I got to use his cigarette roller machine and roll cigarettes for him. I used to beg to do it, I loved the mechanics and magic of it, he was always reluctant, but he couldn’t say no to me! Almost every visit together involved going to a Chinese food buffet, we were food lovers, no doubt about that. He enjoyed going to the beach, usually Crescent Beach, or sometimes White Rock. No matter the time of year, we would walk around a bit, and always get food and/or ice cream! We also really enjoyed going go-karting together, watching professional races was something he enjoyed and I think having an excuse to get on those little tracks were fun for him! :)
After that visit we messaged each other at least once per month, each of us checking in on one another. We made plans to visit again in summer of 2020. Covid arrived in our world and we talked about how disappointing it would be to wait another summer. But he was really looking forward to when the border would open and I would be able to come visit again.
In our more recent conversations, I learned about his regrets, struggles, and wishes, and I am so glad we had these last couple of years to share with each other. I am sad that I won’t get to see him again, and for a handful of other reasons, but it was his time, and I can be at peace with that.
